Sunday, January 2, 2011

Mark Paul Gosselar

“The top 50 things I love about Mark Paul Gosselar..” ~ Age 13



I can’t think of fifty things I love about anything anymore. That list is too long! Perhaps it’s the innocence and happiness of childhood which allows someone to become so enamored. Or maybe it’s that nothing in life can, or ever will compare to Mark Paul Gosselar. Let’s be clear; it wasn’t Mark Paul Gosselar I was in love with, it was Zack Morris. The fact I even knew Zack Morris’ real name is astounding. It shows what a truly devoted fan I was, considering I didn’t know my Mom’s maiden name until 2003.

In the 6th grade I was given an assignment to write an essay about “somebody in history, alive or dead, whom I would want to meet and why”. Most students wrote about Thomas Jefferson (boring) or Jesus (lame), but I wrote about Mark Paul Gosselar. My three reasons were as awkward as the subject matter:

1. “Mark Paul Gosselar is the BEST actor I have seen”. I do remember watching other television shows, so I’m certain this is false. Have you ever gone back and really WATCHED episodes of Saved by the Bell? They’re awful, complete garbage. Unfortunately they’re as addictive as ever.
2. “You can tell he really cares about people.” (No evidence is given)
3. “He is gorgeous and you can tell he’s funny in real life too”. Okay, now we get down to the heart of the matter; Zack Morris is a sarcastic hottie with a propensity for trouble. This is the honest reason I wanted to meet Mark Paul, and why he became the type of guy I always fell for. Zack was one in a long line of “douche bag, hot guys” that I loved. It all started with Garfield (don’t judge- He was such an adorable little bitch of a cat). Raphael the Ninja turtle, Macaulley Culkin, ALF, Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Liutenant Commander Riker were all characters in my daydreams. Looking back, Zack was actually the best crush I ever had. At least he was charming… and human.

He was the ultimate heart-breaker with his bleach-blonde quaff, cock-sure attitude and the ability to stop time. He continually committed felony crimes with no real consequences AND managed to score a 1502 on the SAT without attending a single class. Can we say DREAMBOAT? He even had a diverse and fantastical group of friends who stood by him no matter what. It was delightful how they each fit into their own little, cliché box; The Jock, the Environmentalist, The Cheerleader, The Fashionista, The Dork, and once Tori joined – The Big Ol’ Lesbian.

Real friends are much harder to deal with. Their catch-phrases aren’t solidified, and you never know what kind of reaction they will have to your schemes. With The SBTB clan, you always knew. There was a friend for each situation in life, and a lesson to be learned from all. My real friends couldn’t teach me jack-shit, except that being in band/choir/scholastic bowl made you a candidate for social suicide. And let’s face it- I would have learned that one on my own: QUIZ BOWL FOREVA!

I desperately longed for Zack’s hip way of terrorizing adults and his charming affection towards women. Because of this, Kelly Kopowsky was both the bane of my existence and a definitive role model. I would study pictures of her, trying to decide how to get my hair to look so perfect (ultimately deciding on a wig). I tried to eat less, so I could become thin and perky (for about 30 minutes until that second snickers bar proved too tempting). And her adorable little mole (which I drew on with a marker) made me look like a hobgoblin.

Being Kelly was NOT my destiny, and no amount of pleading with the cosmic forces was going to change that. She was quintessential High School perfection who was impossible to live up to. This includes the girl who played her: Tiffani Amber Theisen. While Kelly Kopowsky lives in our memories as a vivacious teen beauty, Tiffani Amber walks around with a large and extraordinarily flat pancake face. I realize that we all age and body parts sag, and things aren’t “where they used to be”. But has that saying ever applied to somebody’s FACE? It’s downright bizarre! Something happened to Ms. Theisen after SBTB because she showed up to Baywatch wielding that face of hers, and it has yet to stop melting outwardly. Kelly Kapowsky would have married Zack, had two perfectly adorable children, and lived a long and fulfilling life with a normal sized face. Tiffani Amber is NO Kelly Kapowsky- that is certain.

Unfortunately, I did manage to bear a resemblance to one of the cast members- Jesse Spano. “Best Friend” to the hottest guy in school? CHECK. Annoyingly concerned with the environment? CHECK. Prone to abusing prescription drugs? CHECK that box for a decade. Later in life she would take her clothes off for money in the worst film ever made; something I would have done in a heart-beat had my body been up to par. Luckily though, I didn’t settle for some acid wash loser like Slater. Did anybody else feel like you were watching him go OUT of style? He was always about two years behind in his fashion, and he tried to make up for it with crater sized dimples. It clearly didn’t work, because while Mario Lopez is skipping about the E! Network, Mark Paul is busy banging Mary Louise Parker in the latest season of Weeds. Oink, Oink Baby! (Worst catch-phrase ever).

All that being said, Mario Lopez is an angel of mercy compared to his co-star Dustin Diamond (aka Screech). His character on the show was grating and never ending. I think he would have played that part until “Saved by the Bell – the geriatric years”, but unfortunately he was cancelled and had to find new ways to support himself. So, first things first- he releases a tape on how to play chess. Apparently “how to be a nerd” tapes weren’t raking in the dough, so he went with the obvious next step of releasing a SEX TAPE. And for those of you who are wondering, it’s not just a run-of-the-mill sex tape. Oh no, it’s golden. My favorite part is he hasn’t done ANY filming since the release of the sex tape in 2006. This means the last shot of Samuel Screech Powers anyone can see presently, is of him performing a “dirty sanchez” on an unsuspecting porn-star. Perfection.

I need to wrap this up: basically Mark Paul Gosselar is a hunky God who deserves a list longer than fifty. He managed to continue a solid career while becoming more attractive and honing his acting skills until he was actually pretty good. That’s WAY BETTER than you can say about the rest of the cast of Saved by The Bell. Let’s do the rundown:
1. Kelly/Tiffani Amber: Pancake Face
2. Slater/Mario Lopez: E! Network bitch
3. Lisa/The black girl: probably dead
4. Jesse/Elizabeth Berkely: stars in NC17 film and then becomes a hermit
5. Screech/ Dustin Diamond: Plays chess and enjoys dirty sanchez’s
6. Tori/The lesbian: maybe a lumberjack?
7. Mr. Belding: I have no idea, but I’ll be he’s doing alright
8. Zack/Mark Paul Gosselar: Starring in dramas, bangin’ hotties and getting buffer by the day

I rest my case.

1 comment:

  1. Jessie Spano took off her clothes in the worst movie ever made? Huh... I didn't even realize she was in "The English Patient."

    Seriously, though... "Showgirls" wasn't ALL that bad. I liked many of the not-quite-interweaving subplots.