The List

" List of things NESSESCARY for a good boyfriend:
1. Funny
2. Hot
3. Rockstar
4. can read
5. Cowboy" - AGE 15

FINALLY! A diary entry that has stood the test of time. I'm not even embarrassed by it. I'll admit that some of my "qualifications" were a bit specific, but on the whole- a solid list. I'm proud of my fifteen year old self for putting "funny" in the top ranking spot. It has, and always will be the epitome of attraction for me. I've had on the whole, 11-12 serious to semi-serious boyfriends. They may not have been hot (by societies standards) but they were all hilarious people. Growing up an ugly duckling, I understood early that looks will fade (or not be bestowed on you whatsoever). Humor though, stands the test of time. So congratulations fifteen year old me!

That being said, "hot" is placed ahead of my potential mates literacy levels. For somebody who spent most of her time reading, this is surprising. Also, I didn't say "he can discuss the religious symbolism in Dylan Thomas' poetry". No, my standards were much lower. All I put was "can read", it's not even capitalized! I was fifteen years old, and I'm certain I didn't know a single person over the age of five who couldn't read. Yet here I was, expecting nothing more than "can read". I would like to point out this also falls below "rockstar", which let's face it- is exactly how it should be. Rockstar's are awesome and who cares if they can read?? They can croon, and pull off decades of wearing nothing but jeans and chuck taylors. As your lead singer boyfriend dedicates a song to you on a dirty bar stage whilst simultaneously throwing back a shot, do you think you care about his scholastic apptitude? The answer is "Fuck No". Speaking english isn't even imperative at this juncture. He just DEDICATED A SONG TO YOU. No girl can resist the calloused hands of a mediocre guitar player. I was barely out of puberty and I knew that. I can only think of one boyfriend who wasn't in a band. (Well two, if you count my first boyfriend Aaron, who is now gay. But he DID sing in musicals and it had the same effect).

I attempted dating "non-musicians". You know the type; financially stable/independent men who own a button down shirt, and a bed that's not just a mattress on the floor. But they all bored me to tears. I could always pay my own way, had my own bed, and if worse came to worse- I could buy them a nice polo. I had no use for these average joe's. There was no passion, no angsty hermit vibe and definitely no spotlight. I may have grown up awkward, but I've always loved the spotlight. Even if it's my man's spotlight and I happen to fall inside of it, that's fine with me. Rockstar's always have spotlights, even the bad ones. And I would immerse myself in the rays of those neon florescents. It is glorious.

I'm proud to say that I married a rockstar. I basically dated musician after musician until I found the most talented one. I wasn't aware of this at the time, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. We met and there was instantaneous attraction. How could there not have been? He had a twin-sized mattress he kept against the wall that he only pulled down when he had "ladies" over. He owned more pets than chairs and his clothes looked to have come out of the trash bin at the good will. I didn't see him sober for the first 3 months that I knew him, and he only slept at odd intervals, but never at night. Occassionally I would find guitar picks and/or quarters embedded in his back from him passing out on the floor of his living room. He was a dream come true. And then, AND THEN he sang. He sang and it was the most glorious sound I had ever heard. Girls swooned when hearing him, he was mezmerizing. He sang, and he wrote a song about his unrequited love for me, (titled "Secret Heart" in true angsty, rockstar fashion) and that was that. I loved him. He was everything I had dreamed of.

His name is Ian and he's my husband. He now sleeps on a king size therapedic, wears ties and has a respectable sales job. BUT he's in a band, and it's a good band and he is phenomenal. I go to every show I'm allowed into (staying true to my groupie self), even when I have to get up early for work. Because when he sings it melts my heart. Plus I have to be there to beat down any younger versions of myself who might try to seduce him. Skanky groupie bitches.

So basically I got the best of both worlds. What young girls don't realize is that if you stay with a musician long enough, he usually grows up. Sure, you might have to buy your own dinners/flowers/his dinners for the first couple of years, but who cares? The music will carry you further than any trust fund. If you're patient and expectant, a musicians ambition may surprise you. In other words, don't knock it till you've tried it.

Oh, and one more thing- Please notice that number 5 on my list reads "cowboy". This is a wild-card, but I'm glad I put it on there. Because if you're boyfriend isn't a musician, and he's not a cowboy either... You've been jipped.