The Suncoast Trilogy

Shane
“Shane works at Suncoast too and is the epitome of adorable! He’s 17 and isn’t going to college until later. We flirt NONSTOP and yea, he totally likes me. OH! He also just got arrested for drugs, but we can overlook this minor flaw.” –Age 15

Remember how much fun your job was when you were in High School? The shift was short, the responsibility minimal, and your $200 bi-weekly paycheck bought a shit ton of Old Navy pajama pants. Suncoast was more fun than I could have imagined. I learned a lot about life, and close to nothing about good business practices. It was a subsidiary of the dying Tower Records Company; a video store nestled in the darkest corner of the mall, just waiting to go bankrupt.

::sigh..:: Shane.

He was the reason I applied for the job to begin with. I was passing by Suncoast when I saw him laughing behind the counter…H O T. I walked in and asked if they were hiring and the manager replied with “Yes! Do you want the job?” I became an employee a couple of days later and began my quest to make Shane fall in love. We were young, hormonal and trapped alone together in an infrequently visited cave. It wasn’t long before we were making out in the back-room atop piles of Pokémon cards. Once I found out he played the guitar, we were officially dating.

Suncoast became a second home and left an impression on what “work life” could be. To the dismay of many bosses, I have treated most workplaces similarly; as a hunting ground for new friends and lovers. Suncoast was our Empire Records with an uglier cast. Because of this, an astonishing number of life events happened at work, and Suncoast was no exception. Shane and I had our first kiss, we visited the store before heading to my senior prom, and shortly after my 18th birthday I lost my virginity there; under fluorescent lights and the approving card-board grins of Erin Brockovich and Tigger.



Anime
"I’m RICH now, I GOT A RAISE! $5.32 PER HOUR! WooHoo! I’m considered a key holder too, although I have no keys. OH! Also, busted out a perv today, it was a good day.” – age 16

During my three years of dedicated service, the store churned more managers then it had customers. And the customers we did have rarely purchased anything, because the prices were outrageous and the selection so limited. We did have one draw that brought in a specific type of customer like the pied piper; a mammoth collection of Anime Porn. This wall spread the width of the store, and saw more people than all other aisles combined. 8 rows of busty and scantily clad power-puff girls beamed down at hopeful teenage boys. They would stand there for hours, plotting how to scrape up $49.99 so that Sailor Moon’s slutty cousin could bounce in the background while they emptied out their Jergens bottle. To a fifteen year old girl, this was hysterical. I loved hiding behind the sales counter until some pimply faced kid walked up. They would look over both shoulders, to make sure they were alone, and pick up a particularly savage anime movie. I gave them a few seconds to enjoy the synopsis before I would pop out and scream,
“THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD TENTACLE RAPE, EH?”
It never got old.


Lewis
"Lewis, the NEW manager is HILARIOUS. We all laughed today about Carl getting fired for stealing- OH THE IRONY!” Age 17

Carl, our manager, was a round-faced weirdo who stole gift cards and tried using them at other stores across the state. When confronted, he cried and sputtered about “feeding his family”. One day he was shamefully escorted out by security and never heard from again. Lewis, a quick witted 21 year old stepped up to the managerial plate. Lewis disregarded HR policies and provided the biting sarcasm that our little store had been lacking. Prior to managing the Suncoast he had been arrested for dumping a milk concoction into the return slot of a Family Video.

The reason for the “irony” of Carl’s termination was we (the rest of the staff) had been stealing from Suncoast for the better part of a year. It got so bad that it rivaled an underground drug cartel, but we dealt in v.h.s tapes and movie t-shirts. Sure, they had measures to prevent internal theft, but most of them involved spying on your fellow co-workers. This does not work when everyone is doing it. We were all under 21 and most of us were either friends or lovers or both. We were supposed to pat each other down (not in a sexual way, as learned from the training video) every night after close. You step outside, lock the gate, pat each other down, and give the camera a proud “thumbs up” for a job well done and no merchandise lost. We went through this charade nightly; patting each other down while videos were tucked into our pants. We would peer deep into backpacks filled with Bose headphones, and then give the congratulatory “thumb’s up” to the camera. We performed our show with such charisma that we were called out during a region conference call as a “team to emulate”. It was around this time that I was personally awarded “District Employee of the Month”. To celebrate I stole an entire collection of the X-files, because hey- I’d earned it.

When looking through my old diaries, I came across a “Nightly Closing Checklist” that Lewis had created. Please remember this was posted in our backroom:

1. Count the money
2. Laugh at the fact that Carl got fired for stealing
3. Vacuum
4. Suck the genitals of your co-workers
5. Re-stock the shelves
6. Mock the payless girls
7. Steal the required number of movies
8. Laugh about Suncoast thinking they’re some kind of corporate juggernaut
9. Pat each other down
10. Laugh one more time about Carl
11. Lock the gate.

Store Closed.
Sign off.